Must have been a Dream..

I regained my consciousness in the middle of taking a swim.. I was way out in the middle of the ocean, at least fifty feet below the surface, with about two hours of oxygen left. I guess I had fallen asleep in this patch of kelp.. I woke up facing downward, towards thousands of beautifully colored shells, and rocks. I looked up, and I saw the rays of light dancing across the surface of the crystal-clear water. something inside of me just told me that this is where I belong. Everywhere, there were fish, and they seemed as though they were flying. I didn't know where they were going, they didn't know where they were going -- They were just going. Out in the visible distance, I could see dolphins swimming around, almost as if they were playing. I looked up again, and saw a school of fish shifting in form, and moving very quickly. I couldn't wait to explore this underwater haven. I can honestly say I've never seen such a beautiful sight in my life. Reefs on either side of me, the entire ocean was alive around me.

I could feel the current, and the power of the waves above tugging at me. It was unbelievably comforting. There I was, floating in what seemed to be an endless stretch of color, and movement, and being rocked to sleep by the gentle tug and push of the underwater movements. If I could, I'd stay in that special spot for the rest of my life. I'd stay there, where I could actually see color, where I could feel the soothing waves moving me around, a place where everything is alive, but very calm. It was silent, and very peaceful. All of the fish were minding their own business, whatever that may be, but at the same time, they playfully swam around me, and reflected my own image at me. Maybe I was in heaven?

Abruptly, out of nowhere, all of the fish drifted away. No more color. No more movement. Nothing. Just me, laying on my back in the sand some fifty feet or so under the surface of the ocean. All of the sudden, all of the life was gone. All of the sudden, I wasn't so happy. I remember what had been in the place not even five minutes ago, and missed the happiness I felt. I could tell the sun was going down quickly, and everything was darkening. The weight of the waves was too strong, and I was stuck at the bottom of the ocean with a few minutes worth of oxygen left. Instantly, I was laying on my back, in complete darkness, scared of what might be in the ocean at night.

Once more, I regained my consciousness. Life can be very cruel.. I was dreaming. What was this cruel illusion telling me? So, the happiness that I felt, was all a dream.. Even though it turned out to be a bad thing, I wish I could relive the dream forever, as stupid as I was when I was having it, without all of the knowledge I have today.. I would do anything to go back to that ocean, and feel relaxed like that again. So all of this time, my happiness was artificial, there was no ocean, there were no fish, there was no gentle current. Just me, being an idiot thinking that I was immersed in something I wasn't. Just me not knowing, all happy over nothing. Well, eventually, I made the dream a reality, and I sat there at the bottom of the abyss, because an evil wave swept me deeper and deeper with every crash.

At the bottom of the abyss, I sat there, wishing for the sunlight again, and wishing I was still being cradled by the gentle current, rather than being crushed by the unforgiving pressure of the abyss. Here I am, in my gear, I can feel my organs imploding with the crushing pressure sitting on top of me. All of the weight of the ocean sitting on me, I'm about to die. I need the gentle, swaying currents again. I need the beautiful light dancing across the surface of the water again. I need to be surrounded by those playful fish again. I need oxygen... Here I am, being crushed, drowning to death, this is true hell. It wasn't a dream.. At least not the bad parts. Right now, I can still feel the impact of my insides, as I'm gasping for oxygen. The world can be very cruel at times.. Just a few hours ago, I woke up to one of the most beautiful days of my life, a gorgeous scene of nature, filled with life, and motion, unbelievably colorful and soothing. In a matter of hours, the color was gone, in just a few short hours, the happiness disappeared.

What was the best day of my life, has turned into the scariest, most depressing day I've ever pulled myself through. Those fish that I thought were playful proved me wrong, and violently took away the part of me that makes me normal. I can't see color, I can't feel in part of my leg, and the back of my head smashed in with a rock. All because I wanted to be safe. I saw the time ticking away at the oxygen, and when I went to get air, I was brutally attacked by the one who I thought was my best friend, my hero. Every man for himself. Survival of the fittest. It's how it works.

As much as you damaged me that day, as much as you affected my life that day, I forgive you. You made my heart pound to a point of cardiac arrest for fear of dying. You permanently scarred me, making me a freak, without feeling in one leg. You smashed the back of your own son's head in, damaging his brain for the rest of his life. You forever relived yourself of the duty or parenthood. Quite literally, you hurt me, you punched me, you twisted, you broke. I felt pain, I bled, I cried, I was scarred, and I passed out. Even through the grudge I hold, even through a restraining order, even the ocean between us.. I still miss the days when that color was in my life. I miss the days when I didn't have to be afraid. I miss the days when I didn't have to watch the oxygen meter. I miss the days when I didn't have to be scared for my life.