I miss you..

Pieces

((Written two months ago, on and off for a month.))

Funny how painful stupid things can be even after they've recovered. It's taken me the longest, stupid time to open my eyes and see what was really there -- the thing that everyone was shouting in my face. I was warned so many times about messing with fire, but I just had to see for myself if I would get hurt. Hot-headed and stubborn as hell, I challenged every warning people gave me.

My life is nothing more than a massive puzzle.. I suppose that's a good way to describe my take on life right now. My friends, my loves in life, they're all pieces. All pieces that make up who I am, all contributing to the big picture. I find it to be really ironic, though, that people always tell you to start your puzzles from the outside, and work your way to the middle of it all.. If there's anything my short life has taught me so far, it's that starting from the outside will be a painful trip.

I used to have a life I hated, I lived in my own personal hell for a while, until my endless matrix of failures finally brought me to a good place. A little good comes out of the bad, even, right? Well, I screwed up, and luckily, that brought me to a fresh start.. The beginning of my new life was scary, but very hopeful. The starting piece of my puzzle was an old friend who was willing to start a fresh life with me. We were ready to go to a new school, we were ready to leave our pasts behind. I had so many grudges to let go of, I had so many horrible, painful memories to forget. I suppose you could say I was finally free again. I was so happy that once again, I could make new friends, I could have a breath of fresh air, a change of scenery.. In my last life, I was suffocating, and sickly. In my last life, I really saw no point in living, I just.. lived.

Anyhow ..I finally realize that you should never build your puzzle from the outside, working your way inward. In the beginning of this new journey, my friend was the cornerstone of my new life, and slowly, I added more pieces to the collection. I began to make friends, and I grew fond of my new school. I started looking at life with a happier perspective. I was finally content, in a sense.. Nothing like my old life, when suicidal thoughts were always at hand. Not like my old self when I hated myself and everyone around me. I was a new person, really. I finally saw what it was like to live. Now that I was happy, I looked back on my old self, and couldn't be happier with how much I've changed.

Finally in the place I belong, surrounded by my best friends, and somewhat happy, I started thinking of the future. I started wondering what my new life could bring. I think I moved things a bit too fast, because I was just so excited, I finally had real friends.. I finally found the people I would gladly lay my life down for. I was so excited, I had a life that I was somewhat happy about. No longer did I hate myself, no longer did I wish the world would come to an end. The entire frame of my puzzle was complete -- I had put together all of the pieces on the outside, and the edges were finished.

After I had finished the outside of my life like everyone told me to, I started moving inward. With each layer of pieces, things got far more personal, far more important. With my next set of puzzle pieces, I learned how to draw better, I learned how to dream and imagine. No longer was I imagining horrible things, but I finally let go of the things in my mind, and moved on to something much better. I learned how to let my thoughts pour out onto the canvas -- A huge leap for me.. With a new layer of pieces, I became closer to my friends. They were no longer just people, they were the ones I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. With each piece I happily laid into my life, I kept thinking of how I would finish the puzzle. I kept wondering how beautiful my life would be when it was complete.

Some time passed, I let the year crawl by and I got to know my surroundings even better.. After all of these changes, I finally had a feeling I knew what I was doing. I wasn't blind anymore, I could see what was going on all around me. At last, I thought I was ready to finish my puzzle. At last, there was only one thing in the world that could have made me happier with my new life. I wish it was enough. I wish I never thought about the end of the journey. Well... Hot-headed, and stubborn as hell, I put everything I built in danger.

On that crazy day, I was finally going to pick up that last piece, and fit it into the middle of my puzzle, at the heart of it all. I was nervous that all of my hard work of constructing would come to an end. I was nervous to stop dreaming about how my life could have been better, instead of just doing it. I truly never imagined myself coming to such a point in life, I never thought I could do it. I had never thought about the end of all my work, I was just used to working every day, with the same thought in my mind all day long. There were plenty of pieces I could have chosen from, all of them had their own unique design, but there was one small one at the back of the pile that always caught my eye. My hands were shaky as I picked up the last piece -- The most beautiful of them all..

Carefully cradling that gorgeous puzzle piece in my hands, I whispered to myself over and over again " I'm finally done wishing.. This is going to complete my life.. This is all I'll ever need.. " At that, I lowered my arms as if to finally place that piece where it truly belonged -- in the middle of my life.

..I stared down for a few minutes because I didn't know what to think.. I was crushed. I'm not sure if there are words that could really even begin describe the feeling of it all.. I gently laid the last piece on the throne that I had built for it in the middle of my life, and I was ready to be done with my masterpiece, I was ready to stand back and look at the finished project. To my absolute disbelief, the piece refused to fit. It refused to fit.. I panicked. I had examined the piece, I observed, and I built my life around it, why wouldn't it fit?? I didn't know what could have possibly gone wrong.. Struggling to hold back tears, I tried forcing the piece to fit. All at once, I was feeling tired from all of the work I had done to build my life around that one piece.. I tried to force the piece to fit, and the edges around it began to crumble. I'm so weary of things that don't work. I'm so tired of bitter failure. Work, damn it..

In pure frustration and depression, I picked up my masterpiece, and smashed it against the ground, shattering it into a million pieces. It's truly life changing when you construct your existence to perfectly fit a new piece, and things don't work the way you thought they would.. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket, eh?

I was certain the piece would fit perfectly, I was sure it would complete my life.. Even now, my foolishness is eating away at me. I wake up in the morning, staring up at a bland ceiling, and I wish I could take my mistakes back.. In the afternoon sitting home alone in my chair, I do nothing but imagine ways this mess could have been avoided.. When I lay my head on my pillow at night, the only thought running through my mind is how deeply I regret my stupidity, my blindness. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, if you find me staring into space, you can be sure that I'm sick with the feeling that my life is gone -- In anger, I destroyed it, it's gone.. If you see me smile, you'll know I'm lying. You'll know I'm trying to mislead you.

From now on, I'll never build my puzzle from the outside-in, but inside to out. I've learned the hard way that you can die from the inside out. There's nothing left. Nothing but a lifeless corpse covered in glowing shards. Nothing. It's all gone, my life is destroyed, It's in pieces. I'm nothing but an idiot wallowing in his broken dreams.

If ever I had a bad day, this was the most vicious and unforgiving of them all. I thought I had it all, I thought my world was perfect, and in a matter of seconds, it was all shattered to pieces. I have nothing. I gambled my life, and lost it.

All because of the appealing little piece that was to complete my life, all because of something as stupid and pointless as hope, all because I thought that EVERYONE could have a happy ending.. All because of my idiocy, I threw my masterpiece down, and shattered it to pieces..

Needles

I was about to fall over. The only thing I could hear was my heart wildly pulsing in my head, and my frantic breathing -- My friend and I were about to be killed. Chased through the woods for hours, they were just toying with us. Toying with us like they do with all of their prey. -Tire them out, slap them around, kill them- There was no point in stopping for a rest, but at the same time, there was no point in going on, we were exhausted and ready to give up. I finally grabbed her arm, and I'm sure my expression said it all.

"It's over, we're finished."

The dark sky was very clear that night, the moon was full, and the stars just couldn't be counted.. We looked up and saw the beautiful stars that illuminated the sky. They provided enough light for us to see where we were going in the middle of the night. Holding her arm, I sat her down on a fallen tree beside me and she began to cry.

I didn't know what to do, to say, I didn't know what to think. The only thing I could be thankful for was the fact I would die beside my best friend, and not alone. It was strange, I always imagined my killing to be full of agony, of screaming, and of pain. Here I am, sitting on a log with my best friend at my side, knowing full well what was about to happen.

I was always so afraid of death, I was always so careful. I never imagined myself to be so calm.. Maybe it just hadn't sunken in that I was going to die. I looked over, and immediately, my heart was crushed. Tears rolling down her cheeks, she buried her face in my shoulder. "I'm so sorry I got us into this mess, I never meant for it to be this way, I didn't want it to end like this." At this point, she seemed to chant her apologies to me. She kept going on.. "I thought it would be different from the other situations, I'm so sorry." In a rocking motion, she went on, "I'm so, so sorry, I don't want you to die."

There was nothing I could do but to gently throw my arm around her and whisper in her ear the only reassurance I could bear to give: "It will be over quick." It seemed like an eternity, waiting for the murderers to come around our way. We were sitting there, waiting to die. Remarkable how the assassins managed to keep up when we were running, but now that we had been sitting for a few minutes, we lost them. after another few moments of sitting, we could hear the low pitched scream of the engines getting louder, and louder in the distance. All the more she held my hand, all the more she cried, heaving for air. She begged me to run, she begged me to leave her behind.

Finally, we could see the lights of those evil machines tearing through the plant life. I tried to sum up words for my friend, I desperately tried to congregate something to say, but my emotions just couldn't be channeled into words. I was speechless, it was finally time to die. All we could do was look into each other's eyes, both knowing what the other thought, both knowing the words that were begging to come out. I mouthed her my final words in utter silence, "Goodbye.. I love you.."

Seemingly out of nowhere, a machine leapt up into the cold night air, making a loud metallic hissing noise. The machine had perfect timing, it jabbed me in the side with a blade the instant it touched down to the ground. Like a sewing needle, the blade stabbed into my side repeatedly, over and over again.. With every time the blade dug into me, I lost another bit of my conscience. I was numb to the world, I felt dizzy, and tired. She was still looking into my eyes when I fell over. She could see every bit of it; Watching the blood flow, watching me clutch my side, praying for relief. In absolute shock, she stood aside, watching me become this machine's meal.

I looked down, and watched with amazement. The thing was really tearing me apart, my body was no longer recognizable. In awe, she stood by and saw me become a twisted heap of bloody meat.

The machine was finally ready for the kill; it started jabbing away at my heart, violently digging into my chest. In pure terror, she stood aside and watched the horrible contraption mercilessly end me.

Blind

"What's your favorite color?" "Haha, EVERYONE has a favorite color." "Is it pink? You're a pansy!" "Oh, yeah, that's right, you're color blind." "Too bad, you can't see a rainbow." "It IS Javier we're talking about, his favorite color would be a rainbow if he weren't screwed up."

Alright, you got me. I'm blind to one of the most beautiful parts of vision. Blind to things that are colorful, blind to what you think is important. I don't get why you think someone's inability lessens their worth. Why attack something that cannot be helped?

I'd dare to say that you've crossed the line, you went where no one has ever gone. You've told me that the world hates me, You've told me that my best friends wanted me dead. Why make fun of something that can't be helped? Why drag me down for something that can't be undone? Why? What have I done so horrible, to make you want to kill me so badly?

This whole damned year, you've been the thing standing between me and a great year. I'm glad this damned school year is over. All the more time I will get away from having to see your face every day of my life. All the more time I get of vacation from insults and lies. Thanks for making my life hell, thanks for making me go insane over the problems about myself.

Must have been a Dream..

I regained my consciousness in the middle of taking a swim.. I was way out in the middle of the ocean, at least fifty feet below the surface, with about two hours of oxygen left. I guess I had fallen asleep in this patch of kelp.. I woke up facing downward, towards thousands of beautifully colored shells, and rocks. I looked up, and I saw the rays of light dancing across the surface of the crystal-clear water. something inside of me just told me that this is where I belong. Everywhere, there were fish, and they seemed as though they were flying. I didn't know where they were going, they didn't know where they were going -- They were just going. Out in the visible distance, I could see dolphins swimming around, almost as if they were playing. I looked up again, and saw a school of fish shifting in form, and moving very quickly. I couldn't wait to explore this underwater haven. I can honestly say I've never seen such a beautiful sight in my life. Reefs on either side of me, the entire ocean was alive around me.

I could feel the current, and the power of the waves above tugging at me. It was unbelievably comforting. There I was, floating in what seemed to be an endless stretch of color, and movement, and being rocked to sleep by the gentle tug and push of the underwater movements. If I could, I'd stay in that special spot for the rest of my life. I'd stay there, where I could actually see color, where I could feel the soothing waves moving me around, a place where everything is alive, but very calm. It was silent, and very peaceful. All of the fish were minding their own business, whatever that may be, but at the same time, they playfully swam around me, and reflected my own image at me. Maybe I was in heaven?

Abruptly, out of nowhere, all of the fish drifted away. No more color. No more movement. Nothing. Just me, laying on my back in the sand some fifty feet or so under the surface of the ocean. All of the sudden, all of the life was gone. All of the sudden, I wasn't so happy. I remember what had been in the place not even five minutes ago, and missed the happiness I felt. I could tell the sun was going down quickly, and everything was darkening. The weight of the waves was too strong, and I was stuck at the bottom of the ocean with a few minutes worth of oxygen left. Instantly, I was laying on my back, in complete darkness, scared of what might be in the ocean at night.

Once more, I regained my consciousness. Life can be very cruel.. I was dreaming. What was this cruel illusion telling me? So, the happiness that I felt, was all a dream.. Even though it turned out to be a bad thing, I wish I could relive the dream forever, as stupid as I was when I was having it, without all of the knowledge I have today.. I would do anything to go back to that ocean, and feel relaxed like that again. So all of this time, my happiness was artificial, there was no ocean, there were no fish, there was no gentle current. Just me, being an idiot thinking that I was immersed in something I wasn't. Just me not knowing, all happy over nothing. Well, eventually, I made the dream a reality, and I sat there at the bottom of the abyss, because an evil wave swept me deeper and deeper with every crash.

At the bottom of the abyss, I sat there, wishing for the sunlight again, and wishing I was still being cradled by the gentle current, rather than being crushed by the unforgiving pressure of the abyss. Here I am, in my gear, I can feel my organs imploding with the crushing pressure sitting on top of me. All of the weight of the ocean sitting on me, I'm about to die. I need the gentle, swaying currents again. I need the beautiful light dancing across the surface of the water again. I need to be surrounded by those playful fish again. I need oxygen... Here I am, being crushed, drowning to death, this is true hell. It wasn't a dream.. At least not the bad parts. Right now, I can still feel the impact of my insides, as I'm gasping for oxygen. The world can be very cruel at times.. Just a few hours ago, I woke up to one of the most beautiful days of my life, a gorgeous scene of nature, filled with life, and motion, unbelievably colorful and soothing. In a matter of hours, the color was gone, in just a few short hours, the happiness disappeared.

What was the best day of my life, has turned into the scariest, most depressing day I've ever pulled myself through. Those fish that I thought were playful proved me wrong, and violently took away the part of me that makes me normal. I can't see color, I can't feel in part of my leg, and the back of my head smashed in with a rock. All because I wanted to be safe. I saw the time ticking away at the oxygen, and when I went to get air, I was brutally attacked by the one who I thought was my best friend, my hero. Every man for himself. Survival of the fittest. It's how it works.

As much as you damaged me that day, as much as you affected my life that day, I forgive you. You made my heart pound to a point of cardiac arrest for fear of dying. You permanently scarred me, making me a freak, without feeling in one leg. You smashed the back of your own son's head in, damaging his brain for the rest of his life. You forever relived yourself of the duty or parenthood. Quite literally, you hurt me, you punched me, you twisted, you broke. I felt pain, I bled, I cried, I was scarred, and I passed out. Even through the grudge I hold, even through a restraining order, even the ocean between us.. I still miss the days when that color was in my life. I miss the days when I didn't have to be afraid. I miss the days when I didn't have to watch the oxygen meter. I miss the days when I didn't have to be scared for my life.

Quandary of Emotion

Ah, it's not even been a full day since seeing my friends last, and I already feel as though the part of my brain that processes happiness is dead. I feel bored, tired, useless, and unanimated, a lifeless machine. I've been sitting here in my chair, watching the Sun's shadow slowly, and lazily crawl over my dirty window. The loneliest day of my life. I feel as if a terrible creature came into my room at night, and had eaten up the color from my soul.

I realize now, that it is dangerous to spend too much time alone -- My own voice has finally gotten to me, fiery in my skull, driving me insane. My thoughts are getting to me finally, and my own voice is yelling at me. Conflicting in my mind, all I want to do is sleep. My chronic boredom, and gloom lays me down spontaneously on days like these. I don't want to get up. I don't want to eat. I don't want to walk. I don't know what I want. I need laughter again. I need to be around someone else.

A day like this is the worst after a terrible nightmare.. I'm left alone all day, with no one to talk to, sitting here, imagining the horrid images I dreamt the night before. I feel half insane. I can feel my sanity melting away, and slipping through my clenched fingers. It's almost like a death that you feel you can stop, when it's right in front of you, and you don't. I tirelessly scratch away at my head, wondering where it all went, all my happiness, and vivid color. It feels as though my entire life has been a dream in itself, and I'm sitting here, alone, and unknowing, waiting for something to happen. I could starve to death, just waiting innocently for something to happen. Alienated, ostracized, and alone, waiting for something.. anything to happen. Stuck with a downtrodden voice in my head, telling me that my life is a joke, telling me how meaningless things are. Showing me how futile my efforts are, depressing me inside, making me feel stupid, and humiliated.

All because of a lonely day.. My lonely days are terrible, terrible monsters that eat away at my imagination, my happiness, my intellectual structural integrity. It's spreading, it's growing, it's burning, it's eating away at me. A monster in my head, eating its way out, as I feel insanity taking over my thoughts, and dreams. I'm a monster now. What was once a bright, and happy mind, is now a chaotic storm, destroying itself with every move it makes, collapsing on itself. Mercilessly and unforgivingly clawing away at my spirit, until absolutely nothing is left, but a lifeless contraption, who's sole purpose is going to school, and coming back, with no regards to happiness, or emotion. I'm finally broken. Days like this should be against the law. Dreadful days that will turn a happy, unknowing person into an insensible mechanism that lives on instinct.

Now, I'm floating out in the cold silence of space, far from the reach of my loved one's voices, far from the reaches of the world, society, media, everything. I'm just floating here, disconnected, waiting for my death as I continue on damaging my delicate balance of mind,going insane. The freezing, paralyzing feeling of isolation will be the death of me.

How sad our world has become

I know that we, as humans, are moving forward every day, that with new technology and inventions rolling in every day. We may be intelligent... We may have technology...

On the bus ride home today, it donned on me that we may be moving forward, but at the same time, the image of us as humans is quickly deteriorating, and becoming sickly. It kills me to see peoeple sitting on the side of the road, with the look on their faces "We have no more money.." "We have nothing to eat.." "What are we going to do now?" "I just want a warm place to sleep tonight.."

Their faces alone tell the entire story. And not only that.. There are people who are financially fit, but have an unforgiving, distressed life. Maybe things are going on at home, maybe they're becoming older, and realizing that their exits are coming up at the end of the highway. There are people, VERY good people at heart, who have terrible diseases the spread, and eat away at their very existence.

On my daily bus ride home, I was in a bit of a terrible mood, because I'm always caught in the wrong places, in the wrong time. I looked up, and noticed tat there was a poor woman wearing ragged clothes trying to get on the bus, but she didn't have any money. Thank God, I had an extra dollar to give -- Showing up to a bus without money to get on is degrading, and humiliating.

It makes me sad that I was the only one to offer something as small as a dollar. It makes me sad that we are all together, we all have lives, we've all had our bad days, and we can't bring ourselves to understand one another. At this, my mind exploded with different thoughts, and situations. I began to think, "How many of these people would put their own lives in danger for someone else?" I arrived at the transfer station, but I stay on, because the bus route changes conveniently so that I can stay on, and ride straight to my home. I looked out the window, and noticed people sitting on the ground, huddled together, and a myriad of other "types". It really made me feel bad when someone pulled the butt of a cigarette out of a trash can, desperate for a few puffs of smoke.

The image, intentions, and character of humans have been heavily crippled, and I wish that there were something I could personally do for each and every one of those people. I'm not talking about the people who can have a job, but are too lazy for it. I'm talking about desperate people, willing to do WHATEVER t takes for money, drugs, what ever that may be. It kills me to think that there are women out there that have little to no other options than selling themselves out on the streets to make enough money for food, and shelter. Oh, what could have been.. I am truly lucky to have been born into a family that at least have a trace of moral to it.

I know how it is.. Admittedly, my dad was a drug addict when he lived in the country. I'm not very sure about where he is, what he's doing, or even if he's alive right now.. I remember my parents having some terrible fights, and I used to huddle in my closet waiting for it all to end. My dad was a very desperate man.. I remember sometimes, he'd sit on the couch, high, and he'd swear at me, and act way out of the norm. I'm just glad that all of this happened before I got the general idea of hat he was doing, and how badly it would end up effecting his life. He was so desperate, he actually stole birthday money from me a few years before he was deported.

It's truly terrible that people will do anything they can to conjure up some money to be high for a little while, all just to temporarily forget about their cruel problems in life. On my way home, The things I saw reminded me of what was easily the darkest time of my life. Where did the days go, where people could rely on strangers? Where did the time go when kids in school were sincere? Where did everyone's innocence go? What ever happened to good people? Are we selling away our character for the sake of technology? What happened to the days when everyone generally respected each other? Soon enough, It's going to get to the point that you'll only get respect from someone if you're pointing the barrel of a gun in their face.

I keep thinking.. Is man's "forward" motion really worth it? Is it worth it to be smarter, and more technologically advanced if it's at the expense of our happiness, and good people in the world? People care much less about each other today. It's more of an every-man-for-himself scenario.

I don't think words can express how much I wish there were more decent people in this world. I wish there were more people in this society who would devote a bit of time to helping each other out, and not necessarily meaning donating money, or anything, but simply not being cruel to one another.

So, yeah. Just thought I'd share my thoughts and stuff you people..