Must have been a Dream..

I regained my consciousness in the middle of taking a swim.. I was way out in the middle of the ocean, at least fifty feet below the surface, with about two hours of oxygen left. I guess I had fallen asleep in this patch of kelp.. I woke up facing downward, towards thousands of beautifully colored shells, and rocks. I looked up, and I saw the rays of light dancing across the surface of the crystal-clear water. something inside of me just told me that this is where I belong. Everywhere, there were fish, and they seemed as though they were flying. I didn't know where they were going, they didn't know where they were going -- They were just going. Out in the visible distance, I could see dolphins swimming around, almost as if they were playing. I looked up again, and saw a school of fish shifting in form, and moving very quickly. I couldn't wait to explore this underwater haven. I can honestly say I've never seen such a beautiful sight in my life. Reefs on either side of me, the entire ocean was alive around me.

I could feel the current, and the power of the waves above tugging at me. It was unbelievably comforting. There I was, floating in what seemed to be an endless stretch of color, and movement, and being rocked to sleep by the gentle tug and push of the underwater movements. If I could, I'd stay in that special spot for the rest of my life. I'd stay there, where I could actually see color, where I could feel the soothing waves moving me around, a place where everything is alive, but very calm. It was silent, and very peaceful. All of the fish were minding their own business, whatever that may be, but at the same time, they playfully swam around me, and reflected my own image at me. Maybe I was in heaven?

Abruptly, out of nowhere, all of the fish drifted away. No more color. No more movement. Nothing. Just me, laying on my back in the sand some fifty feet or so under the surface of the ocean. All of the sudden, all of the life was gone. All of the sudden, I wasn't so happy. I remember what had been in the place not even five minutes ago, and missed the happiness I felt. I could tell the sun was going down quickly, and everything was darkening. The weight of the waves was too strong, and I was stuck at the bottom of the ocean with a few minutes worth of oxygen left. Instantly, I was laying on my back, in complete darkness, scared of what might be in the ocean at night.

Once more, I regained my consciousness. Life can be very cruel.. I was dreaming. What was this cruel illusion telling me? So, the happiness that I felt, was all a dream.. Even though it turned out to be a bad thing, I wish I could relive the dream forever, as stupid as I was when I was having it, without all of the knowledge I have today.. I would do anything to go back to that ocean, and feel relaxed like that again. So all of this time, my happiness was artificial, there was no ocean, there were no fish, there was no gentle current. Just me, being an idiot thinking that I was immersed in something I wasn't. Just me not knowing, all happy over nothing. Well, eventually, I made the dream a reality, and I sat there at the bottom of the abyss, because an evil wave swept me deeper and deeper with every crash.

At the bottom of the abyss, I sat there, wishing for the sunlight again, and wishing I was still being cradled by the gentle current, rather than being crushed by the unforgiving pressure of the abyss. Here I am, in my gear, I can feel my organs imploding with the crushing pressure sitting on top of me. All of the weight of the ocean sitting on me, I'm about to die. I need the gentle, swaying currents again. I need the beautiful light dancing across the surface of the water again. I need to be surrounded by those playful fish again. I need oxygen... Here I am, being crushed, drowning to death, this is true hell. It wasn't a dream.. At least not the bad parts. Right now, I can still feel the impact of my insides, as I'm gasping for oxygen. The world can be very cruel at times.. Just a few hours ago, I woke up to one of the most beautiful days of my life, a gorgeous scene of nature, filled with life, and motion, unbelievably colorful and soothing. In a matter of hours, the color was gone, in just a few short hours, the happiness disappeared.

What was the best day of my life, has turned into the scariest, most depressing day I've ever pulled myself through. Those fish that I thought were playful proved me wrong, and violently took away the part of me that makes me normal. I can't see color, I can't feel in part of my leg, and the back of my head smashed in with a rock. All because I wanted to be safe. I saw the time ticking away at the oxygen, and when I went to get air, I was brutally attacked by the one who I thought was my best friend, my hero. Every man for himself. Survival of the fittest. It's how it works.

As much as you damaged me that day, as much as you affected my life that day, I forgive you. You made my heart pound to a point of cardiac arrest for fear of dying. You permanently scarred me, making me a freak, without feeling in one leg. You smashed the back of your own son's head in, damaging his brain for the rest of his life. You forever relived yourself of the duty or parenthood. Quite literally, you hurt me, you punched me, you twisted, you broke. I felt pain, I bled, I cried, I was scarred, and I passed out. Even through the grudge I hold, even through a restraining order, even the ocean between us.. I still miss the days when that color was in my life. I miss the days when I didn't have to be afraid. I miss the days when I didn't have to watch the oxygen meter. I miss the days when I didn't have to be scared for my life.

Quandary of Emotion

Ah, it's not even been a full day since seeing my friends last, and I already feel as though the part of my brain that processes happiness is dead. I feel bored, tired, useless, and unanimated, a lifeless machine. I've been sitting here in my chair, watching the Sun's shadow slowly, and lazily crawl over my dirty window. The loneliest day of my life. I feel as if a terrible creature came into my room at night, and had eaten up the color from my soul.

I realize now, that it is dangerous to spend too much time alone -- My own voice has finally gotten to me, fiery in my skull, driving me insane. My thoughts are getting to me finally, and my own voice is yelling at me. Conflicting in my mind, all I want to do is sleep. My chronic boredom, and gloom lays me down spontaneously on days like these. I don't want to get up. I don't want to eat. I don't want to walk. I don't know what I want. I need laughter again. I need to be around someone else.

A day like this is the worst after a terrible nightmare.. I'm left alone all day, with no one to talk to, sitting here, imagining the horrid images I dreamt the night before. I feel half insane. I can feel my sanity melting away, and slipping through my clenched fingers. It's almost like a death that you feel you can stop, when it's right in front of you, and you don't. I tirelessly scratch away at my head, wondering where it all went, all my happiness, and vivid color. It feels as though my entire life has been a dream in itself, and I'm sitting here, alone, and unknowing, waiting for something to happen. I could starve to death, just waiting innocently for something to happen. Alienated, ostracized, and alone, waiting for something.. anything to happen. Stuck with a downtrodden voice in my head, telling me that my life is a joke, telling me how meaningless things are. Showing me how futile my efforts are, depressing me inside, making me feel stupid, and humiliated.

All because of a lonely day.. My lonely days are terrible, terrible monsters that eat away at my imagination, my happiness, my intellectual structural integrity. It's spreading, it's growing, it's burning, it's eating away at me. A monster in my head, eating its way out, as I feel insanity taking over my thoughts, and dreams. I'm a monster now. What was once a bright, and happy mind, is now a chaotic storm, destroying itself with every move it makes, collapsing on itself. Mercilessly and unforgivingly clawing away at my spirit, until absolutely nothing is left, but a lifeless contraption, who's sole purpose is going to school, and coming back, with no regards to happiness, or emotion. I'm finally broken. Days like this should be against the law. Dreadful days that will turn a happy, unknowing person into an insensible mechanism that lives on instinct.

Now, I'm floating out in the cold silence of space, far from the reach of my loved one's voices, far from the reaches of the world, society, media, everything. I'm just floating here, disconnected, waiting for my death as I continue on damaging my delicate balance of mind,going insane. The freezing, paralyzing feeling of isolation will be the death of me.

How sad our world has become

I know that we, as humans, are moving forward every day, that with new technology and inventions rolling in every day. We may be intelligent... We may have technology...

On the bus ride home today, it donned on me that we may be moving forward, but at the same time, the image of us as humans is quickly deteriorating, and becoming sickly. It kills me to see peoeple sitting on the side of the road, with the look on their faces "We have no more money.." "We have nothing to eat.." "What are we going to do now?" "I just want a warm place to sleep tonight.."

Their faces alone tell the entire story. And not only that.. There are people who are financially fit, but have an unforgiving, distressed life. Maybe things are going on at home, maybe they're becoming older, and realizing that their exits are coming up at the end of the highway. There are people, VERY good people at heart, who have terrible diseases the spread, and eat away at their very existence.

On my daily bus ride home, I was in a bit of a terrible mood, because I'm always caught in the wrong places, in the wrong time. I looked up, and noticed tat there was a poor woman wearing ragged clothes trying to get on the bus, but she didn't have any money. Thank God, I had an extra dollar to give -- Showing up to a bus without money to get on is degrading, and humiliating.

It makes me sad that I was the only one to offer something as small as a dollar. It makes me sad that we are all together, we all have lives, we've all had our bad days, and we can't bring ourselves to understand one another. At this, my mind exploded with different thoughts, and situations. I began to think, "How many of these people would put their own lives in danger for someone else?" I arrived at the transfer station, but I stay on, because the bus route changes conveniently so that I can stay on, and ride straight to my home. I looked out the window, and noticed people sitting on the ground, huddled together, and a myriad of other "types". It really made me feel bad when someone pulled the butt of a cigarette out of a trash can, desperate for a few puffs of smoke.

The image, intentions, and character of humans have been heavily crippled, and I wish that there were something I could personally do for each and every one of those people. I'm not talking about the people who can have a job, but are too lazy for it. I'm talking about desperate people, willing to do WHATEVER t takes for money, drugs, what ever that may be. It kills me to think that there are women out there that have little to no other options than selling themselves out on the streets to make enough money for food, and shelter. Oh, what could have been.. I am truly lucky to have been born into a family that at least have a trace of moral to it.

I know how it is.. Admittedly, my dad was a drug addict when he lived in the country. I'm not very sure about where he is, what he's doing, or even if he's alive right now.. I remember my parents having some terrible fights, and I used to huddle in my closet waiting for it all to end. My dad was a very desperate man.. I remember sometimes, he'd sit on the couch, high, and he'd swear at me, and act way out of the norm. I'm just glad that all of this happened before I got the general idea of hat he was doing, and how badly it would end up effecting his life. He was so desperate, he actually stole birthday money from me a few years before he was deported.

It's truly terrible that people will do anything they can to conjure up some money to be high for a little while, all just to temporarily forget about their cruel problems in life. On my way home, The things I saw reminded me of what was easily the darkest time of my life. Where did the days go, where people could rely on strangers? Where did the time go when kids in school were sincere? Where did everyone's innocence go? What ever happened to good people? Are we selling away our character for the sake of technology? What happened to the days when everyone generally respected each other? Soon enough, It's going to get to the point that you'll only get respect from someone if you're pointing the barrel of a gun in their face.

I keep thinking.. Is man's "forward" motion really worth it? Is it worth it to be smarter, and more technologically advanced if it's at the expense of our happiness, and good people in the world? People care much less about each other today. It's more of an every-man-for-himself scenario.

I don't think words can express how much I wish there were more decent people in this world. I wish there were more people in this society who would devote a bit of time to helping each other out, and not necessarily meaning donating money, or anything, but simply not being cruel to one another.

So, yeah. Just thought I'd share my thoughts and stuff you people..