Pieces

((Written two months ago, on and off for a month.))

Funny how painful stupid things can be even after they've recovered. It's taken me the longest, stupid time to open my eyes and see what was really there -- the thing that everyone was shouting in my face. I was warned so many times about messing with fire, but I just had to see for myself if I would get hurt. Hot-headed and stubborn as hell, I challenged every warning people gave me.

My life is nothing more than a massive puzzle.. I suppose that's a good way to describe my take on life right now. My friends, my loves in life, they're all pieces. All pieces that make up who I am, all contributing to the big picture. I find it to be really ironic, though, that people always tell you to start your puzzles from the outside, and work your way to the middle of it all.. If there's anything my short life has taught me so far, it's that starting from the outside will be a painful trip.

I used to have a life I hated, I lived in my own personal hell for a while, until my endless matrix of failures finally brought me to a good place. A little good comes out of the bad, even, right? Well, I screwed up, and luckily, that brought me to a fresh start.. The beginning of my new life was scary, but very hopeful. The starting piece of my puzzle was an old friend who was willing to start a fresh life with me. We were ready to go to a new school, we were ready to leave our pasts behind. I had so many grudges to let go of, I had so many horrible, painful memories to forget. I suppose you could say I was finally free again. I was so happy that once again, I could make new friends, I could have a breath of fresh air, a change of scenery.. In my last life, I was suffocating, and sickly. In my last life, I really saw no point in living, I just.. lived.

Anyhow ..I finally realize that you should never build your puzzle from the outside, working your way inward. In the beginning of this new journey, my friend was the cornerstone of my new life, and slowly, I added more pieces to the collection. I began to make friends, and I grew fond of my new school. I started looking at life with a happier perspective. I was finally content, in a sense.. Nothing like my old life, when suicidal thoughts were always at hand. Not like my old self when I hated myself and everyone around me. I was a new person, really. I finally saw what it was like to live. Now that I was happy, I looked back on my old self, and couldn't be happier with how much I've changed.

Finally in the place I belong, surrounded by my best friends, and somewhat happy, I started thinking of the future. I started wondering what my new life could bring. I think I moved things a bit too fast, because I was just so excited, I finally had real friends.. I finally found the people I would gladly lay my life down for. I was so excited, I had a life that I was somewhat happy about. No longer did I hate myself, no longer did I wish the world would come to an end. The entire frame of my puzzle was complete -- I had put together all of the pieces on the outside, and the edges were finished.

After I had finished the outside of my life like everyone told me to, I started moving inward. With each layer of pieces, things got far more personal, far more important. With my next set of puzzle pieces, I learned how to draw better, I learned how to dream and imagine. No longer was I imagining horrible things, but I finally let go of the things in my mind, and moved on to something much better. I learned how to let my thoughts pour out onto the canvas -- A huge leap for me.. With a new layer of pieces, I became closer to my friends. They were no longer just people, they were the ones I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. With each piece I happily laid into my life, I kept thinking of how I would finish the puzzle. I kept wondering how beautiful my life would be when it was complete.

Some time passed, I let the year crawl by and I got to know my surroundings even better.. After all of these changes, I finally had a feeling I knew what I was doing. I wasn't blind anymore, I could see what was going on all around me. At last, I thought I was ready to finish my puzzle. At last, there was only one thing in the world that could have made me happier with my new life. I wish it was enough. I wish I never thought about the end of the journey. Well... Hot-headed, and stubborn as hell, I put everything I built in danger.

On that crazy day, I was finally going to pick up that last piece, and fit it into the middle of my puzzle, at the heart of it all. I was nervous that all of my hard work of constructing would come to an end. I was nervous to stop dreaming about how my life could have been better, instead of just doing it. I truly never imagined myself coming to such a point in life, I never thought I could do it. I had never thought about the end of all my work, I was just used to working every day, with the same thought in my mind all day long. There were plenty of pieces I could have chosen from, all of them had their own unique design, but there was one small one at the back of the pile that always caught my eye. My hands were shaky as I picked up the last piece -- The most beautiful of them all..

Carefully cradling that gorgeous puzzle piece in my hands, I whispered to myself over and over again " I'm finally done wishing.. This is going to complete my life.. This is all I'll ever need.. " At that, I lowered my arms as if to finally place that piece where it truly belonged -- in the middle of my life.

..I stared down for a few minutes because I didn't know what to think.. I was crushed. I'm not sure if there are words that could really even begin describe the feeling of it all.. I gently laid the last piece on the throne that I had built for it in the middle of my life, and I was ready to be done with my masterpiece, I was ready to stand back and look at the finished project. To my absolute disbelief, the piece refused to fit. It refused to fit.. I panicked. I had examined the piece, I observed, and I built my life around it, why wouldn't it fit?? I didn't know what could have possibly gone wrong.. Struggling to hold back tears, I tried forcing the piece to fit. All at once, I was feeling tired from all of the work I had done to build my life around that one piece.. I tried to force the piece to fit, and the edges around it began to crumble. I'm so weary of things that don't work. I'm so tired of bitter failure. Work, damn it..

In pure frustration and depression, I picked up my masterpiece, and smashed it against the ground, shattering it into a million pieces. It's truly life changing when you construct your existence to perfectly fit a new piece, and things don't work the way you thought they would.. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket, eh?

I was certain the piece would fit perfectly, I was sure it would complete my life.. Even now, my foolishness is eating away at me. I wake up in the morning, staring up at a bland ceiling, and I wish I could take my mistakes back.. In the afternoon sitting home alone in my chair, I do nothing but imagine ways this mess could have been avoided.. When I lay my head on my pillow at night, the only thought running through my mind is how deeply I regret my stupidity, my blindness. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, if you find me staring into space, you can be sure that I'm sick with the feeling that my life is gone -- In anger, I destroyed it, it's gone.. If you see me smile, you'll know I'm lying. You'll know I'm trying to mislead you.

From now on, I'll never build my puzzle from the outside-in, but inside to out. I've learned the hard way that you can die from the inside out. There's nothing left. Nothing but a lifeless corpse covered in glowing shards. Nothing. It's all gone, my life is destroyed, It's in pieces. I'm nothing but an idiot wallowing in his broken dreams.

If ever I had a bad day, this was the most vicious and unforgiving of them all. I thought I had it all, I thought my world was perfect, and in a matter of seconds, it was all shattered to pieces. I have nothing. I gambled my life, and lost it.

All because of the appealing little piece that was to complete my life, all because of something as stupid and pointless as hope, all because I thought that EVERYONE could have a happy ending.. All because of my idiocy, I threw my masterpiece down, and shattered it to pieces..